Jesus comes to earth and has a bitchin' time
by Pizzapig
Summary: Crack!fic, supernatural world but with Jesus, Dean, Sam and Cas, and a guess apearance later on. what could possibly happen when Castiel is charged with protecting Jesus whlst hes on earth? Rated M, because crack fc and literally anything can happen, leave prompts in reviews and I will include them in this crazy fic.
1. Jesus is in da' house

_Crack fic, not intended to offend anyone, but if your deeply religious this fic may, Im sorry, in advance my sense of humours is really warped, _

_Innacuries a lot, because I know the bare minimum of the bible, _

_leave me a review to tell me what you thought, I live to read your reviews, Can I really write crack!fic? or should I go back to my day job of angst._

* * *

"swiggity Swag. Swoom, swoom j-z jesus looked down at the poopy people below. His gaze drawn to the poopest people of all deanzee and samzee weenchester, weenchester jesus chuckled, that's going in the diary, as soon as I locate it.

"Jesus."

"…"

"Jesus"

"…."

"Jesus Christ"

"who are you talking to because that is not my name."

"*sigh* J-Zee, father requesss your presence."

"what now jesus whined "its just getting good on rube tv."

"Jesus!"

"sigh, coming father" he said uncrossing his legs and following his angel brethren."

"Father, no." Jesus whined.

"yes, son." His father commanded with gravitude (Jehovah Mahdi)

"but fathhherrr" he said stretching out the vowels, "remember what happened last time you sent me down there, im still recovering from the horrendous ways the humans treated me."

"no jesus H Christ you have guilted me with this enough, our divine presence has been removed from earth enough these thousands of years, it is time."

"but father-"

"my word is final. But I am not unreasonable, I have chosen a guide to protect you my son. The angel Castiel shall help show you modern society and keep you on the path of righteousness."

"thankyou father.' Jesus said walking towards the door hiding his face

"My son, wait, come here." he said with his arms open wide hugging Jesus. "it will be okay son, I will keep a close eye on you, and Castiel has shown himself to be a capable solder."

"You want me to what?" said Castiel with sudden mind blanking shock.

"Supervise my son whilst he visits earth, protect him with your life castiel, but most importantly keep him out of trouble. He means well, but he has a history of making less than wise decisions."

Castiel choose his next words with care, "Are you sure that is a wise decision father?"

"Do not question me Castiel, you are a soldier and this is an order. Now go, and remember If any harm shall come to my son, it will be your head."

Castile gulped. "Yes sir"

"So you're Castiel, my holy protector" said J-zee Jesus h Christ

'That is what they call me yes."

"Hope aboard the part-ay bus Castiel on to planet earth" said Jesus the sides of his mouth quirking up with mirth "This will be hella fun Castiel, you're in the ride of your life.'

"Please no." mumbled Castiel with dread.

"You take him." panted Castiel shoving Jesus Christ at Sam and Dean and flying off.

"Cas!" yelled Dean "What the hell!"

"Dean." Said Jesus pointing with a pop of his lips and a smug smirk "and Sam, I presume."

"and who the hell are you!?"

"All in time my unfeathered friends, firstly I must command you to direct me to the liquor cabinet if we truly are to have a good time surrounded by this tackiness."

Dean manhandled Jesus pushing him up against the wall "Start talking now"

"Dean," suggested Sam "Ease up a bit hey, Cas wouldn't have left him with us if he wasn't trusted."

"Well where the hell is Cas then that dick."

"I believe he's hiding in a challenging game of go-hide-seek. Oh no there my main bro is, yo castiel my homie."

Cas looked ready to kill Jesus if Dean wasn't in the way pining Jesus against the wall.

"Cas, you okay?" asked Sam

"I'm fine" replied Cas with irritation pocketing his angel blade that seemed to be covered in some type of mysterious goo "Dean, please unhand the Holy Messiah"

Dean loosened his hold slightly giving Jesus the opportune moment to slip away and hide behind Castiel, hiding the tremors that raked his body, and sweat drying on his forehead, he decided he didn't like this place as much as initially decided.

Then Deans brain caught on to what Cas said "Are you telling me that he, that that is Jesus fucking Christ."

"Dean!" said Sam and Cas outraged at the same time.

"sorry" Dean muttered looking abashed.

"Wow" said Sam with awe pretending he didn't know Dean. "It's an honour uh sir" said Sam extending his hand, "I'm sorry for the way my loudmouth brother treated you."

"Its is forgiven" said Jesus straightening his tunic and smoothing his beard ignoring Sams hand "Jesus is so old, and outdated, please call me j-zee."

"What?'

Cas sighed, "Clive Campell has recently introduced him to the genre of music referred to as hip hop."

"DJ Kool Herc is my main man." Said Jesus with pride.

Dean doubled over with laughter, "This is too much, Jesus, or excuse me J-zee, you're alright dawg." said Dean doubling over with laughter again.

Cas frowned disapprovingly.

Dean wiped his eyes, "Sitting in Sunday school and hearing pastor Jim describe the holy Jesus, never in a million years could I ever pictured Jesus as a rizzle hizzle gangsta.'

Jesus chuckled as Cas's face grew even more stormier and Sam shot Dean the bitchiest of faces. Dean smiled back at jesus, and Cas looked fit for murder.

Jesus came out from behind Cas, and walked over to Dean, pulling up to chairs and instantly launching into a story.

"I remember back in the day, the stories the pilgrims would make up without the barest prompt were extraordinary, you know at one point I had them all convinced I could turn water into wine, so I had this tavern, the whole village shows up, and there all exclaiming how great this wine tastes, and its plain water I got from the horses troughs." Jesus says chuckling, "I guess you had to be there," he told Cas who was not looking amused.

"So Cas why do you -uhm- why is Jesus here?" said Sam as Jesus nattered on to Dean.

"Father has tasked me with keeping him out of trouble, which has incidentally proven to be harder than anticipated.' Said Cas sitting heavily on the edge of the bed.

"Why though?" asked Sam "After all this time, why is Jesus, son of god, absolver of mankind's sins back now?"

"Why does my father ever do anything? To teach us all a deep and meaningful lesson, that's why."

"So once again were being screwed over by a dick with a power complex."

"Dean, you can't say stuff like that in front of the holy one about his father, you just can't, it's like breaking ten different commandments or something."

"It's fine." Said Jesus, "It's the truth after all."

There was an awkward pause in the room before Jesus changed the topic. "So does this motel have pay per view."


	2. Hello sexy Judas

Chapter 2

Jesus was truly the most insufferable person (or whatever he was) the Winchesters ever had the chance of meeting, by the end of the day Dean felt major sympathy towards Cas who looked ready to throttle the holy messiah with his bare hands. It was time for time out Dean concluded.

"So Cas, why are you tasked with guarding 5 foot bearded douchebag over there."

Cas shrugged "it is my orders."

"Surely you must know why."

Cas shook his head.

"well that's a doosy, this old fella mysterious act is sure a bitch."

"it is not for me to question our fathers methods."

"Like father like son." Mumbled Dean implying that both of the most revered symbols in the world were major douches.

Cas stayed silent, the faint whisper of radio music, Taylor Swift, I knew you were trouble played between the silence. Cas tapped his foot along, Dean pretended not to notice his boyfriends terrible taste in music.

"You came." Said Jesus running from the motel room and throwing himself at the tall dark stranger.

"What have you gotten yourself into now." Said the raven haired Islamic man, affection shining in his eyes but disapproval all over his face.

"Father has sent me on a holiday to earth."

"HE DID WHAT!" shouted the man angrily

Dean and Cas came running in, gun and angel blade raised.

"Whos this?" asked Dean to Sam

Sam shrugged "Ask Jesus." Then smirked because he lived in a world where he could say ask jesus and have that make sense.

Cas examined the mans face "Judas" he said warmly sheathing his blade

"Sorry about my out burst, I let my emotions get the better of me, please accept my regrets."

"Think nothing of it." Said Castiel

"Wait. Judas? Said Sam recalling bible study "As in man that betrayed Jesus for a handful of silver."

Jesus looked miffed, and Judas looked exasperated "You cant believe all you read." Said Jesus simply burying his head into the crook of Judases neck.

Sam turned away awkwardly at intruding on this intimate moment and striking up a loud conversation with Cas. "_At least this wasn't one of those many times he had accidently stumbled on in his brother and angel"_ thought Sam tapping wood not to jinx it, earning a strange look from his brother who was in the middle of grilling Cas on details concerning the reliability of Judas's character

"How are we to know he won't betray us for a handful of coins?" he said looking over "Well, Aren't they a little huggy bear for one being a man who assured the others execution."

That's enough." Said Jesus Christ letting power seep into his voice

"Leave it Jesus" said Judas.

"Nope" said Jesus this needs to be said "Judas did not betray me. I asked him to sell me out. I knew the mob was turning on me, I had been foolish and not listened to his advice and gotten too big for my boots. My followers were killing people in my name, and were turning from peace. They were becoming violent and filled with hate, I saw them tear a man limb from limb simply for expressing his believes." said Jesus with a shudder "I knew I must be stopped, so I asked Judas to give me up."

"It was a noble sacrifice."

"Shut your mouth, it isn't a big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be.'

"You got crucified."

"So? It was the cool thing, many people did in those days."

"They nailed you to a cross, straight through your hands and ankles, they tortured you."

"Well, You kissed me. You were meant to leave right away, not kiss me goodbye."

"You walked among the diseased, every moment you could."

"They needed help."

"They had leprosy, a majorly infectious disease you could have caught."

"You killed yourself."

"Oh, you weren't meant to know about that."

"You thought I wouldn't find out about that; that instead of living your life out happily, your right there standing next to father waiting in heaven for me."

"You were my life, what was there without you."

"You're a self-sacrificing fool."

"No more than you."

"You're so infuriating"

"That's why you love me."

"Crazily and completely so, it seems."

"Uh guys, can you not." Said Dean awkwardly.

Jesus put his middle finger up, deepening the kiss.

Dean made a gagging sound and Jesus threw a startled bird at him.

The goose squawked angrily, and chased Dean around the hotel room, Jesus laughed into Judas's mouth. Judas broke the kiss, sending a disapproving look his way. Jesus pouted. He took the bird outside. Jesus Rolled his eyes as he re-entered the motel room, the bird flew away, shitting on Deans car, Jesus whooped and Dean cursed the bird loudly, he swore revenge on Jesus.

"Bring it on my whack homie. Gather around my crew, let us embrace; let us light up some holy joints."

"No Jesus" said Judas.

"Jesus Yes." Said Jesus grinning latching himself around Judas's neck. Judas pushed him off, but Jesus got what he desired, his partner's wallet, and ran off with it, Judas running behind.

Cas sighed and took up a seat, Dean shook his head, cracking a smile, and Sam took up the other chair, massaging his head at an oncoming headache.


	3. Part-ay time

Chapter 3

Dean grinds his bootylicious ass from side to side in tune with the music, "Turn up the damn music!?" he yelled very loudly near Cass ear.

Jesus turned up the music, the neighbours banged on the wall "STFU! Yelled Jesus sending a goose to their room "we're trying to have a good time and you losers are ruining ur buzz.'' Squawking and screaming could be heard next door.

"that's not very nice Jesus" slurred Sam, "Your s'posed to be nice"

"BEING NICE IS BORING!"yelled Jesus throwing a heavy metal sign up "I'm a rebel, Rebels are fun, and not at all nice."

"I was a rebel once." Said Cas, "It didn't turn out so well."

Judas nodded along agreeing.

Dean threw his arms around Cas "ITS ALRIGHT BABE" he yelled above the music "YOU WERE TRYING TO BE GOOD, and that's all that matters." He whispered the last part because he wanted to be dramatic.

Cas hugged him properly, "DON'T EVER CHANGE" he yelled mirroring words said to him long ago,

Dean nodded "never" he whispered tears in his eyes, then took his shirt off, Sam did the same, and Jesus went full commando, Judas face palmed. "What an idiot." He said picking up Jesus clothes.

"I heard that." Yelled Jesus non too quietly

Judas rolled his eyes.

Jesus shook up a can of soda and pored it over Judas, then tipped the rest on Cas.

Dean licked his lips hungrily, Castiel tilted his head, they hightailed it out of there vamoosing immediately.

The moose danced in the corner by himself like a big baby loner. "He needed new friends" HE SAID OUTLOUD when he meant to whisper it.

Judas agreed Sam was a dumbball.

Sam called up his good friend Lucifer.

Lucifer and Jesus got in a massive fight where they called each other 'ninnies and fartingpoops, and your highness the evilest of beavers.

Sam agreed it was a mistake, so did Lucifer_, "_and how in the hell did Sam even have his number, and would Sam please stop punishing him, he only tortured him for like a year, and that was totally like **oh my god** a whole four months ago, stop ruining the party Sam."

Jesus and Lucifer made up and bro hugged because "Lucifer learned his rebellious ways from his original homie Jesus, and it wasn't swaggy for close bros to be fightin'." in Jesus's words not Lucifer.

They then convinced Lucifer to do multiple keg stands, then he passed out and they stapled devil horns and tail on him. Judas took a pic and Jesus put it on his twitter (of course Jesus had a twitter, what do they think invented the internet, stop asking Sam).

They finished the night with a few marijuanas and bong hits. Cas and Dean returned looking dishevelled and satisfied, Dean kicked Lucifer out, and joined in the drugs.

It was agreed the party was a big hit.

They never spoke of it again, because who really wants to explain to your brother where the love bites came from when everyone in the room was in a relationship, and those twitter photos of him dancing drunkenly with the devil "where totally not of him, GET YOUR EYES CHECKED DEAN"

"YOU DID NOT MAKE OUT WITH THE DEVIL" YELLED Dean dropping the phone.

"Shut up" groaned Jesus snuggling up to Judas who Jesus was sure would agree with him if conscious, because Jesus was always right, he was the holy one.

"is that? SAM!"


	4. Lets go to the mall

"Jesus?" said a small child

"No." said Sam

"That is Jesus over there." Supplied Cas

The kid shook his head, "No, you Jesus."

"Listen Kid, I'm not Jesus, I'm only trying to get some aspirin."

The kid looked crestfallen.

"Don't be silly Jesus." Said Dean "Reveal your true identity, the kid won't tell anyone, will you?"

The child shook his small head, curls bouncing and chipmunk teeth sticking out "No Miss Mary of

Magdala."

"See Sammy, tell the kid you're Jesus."

"I'm Jesus." Said Sam unenthusiastically.

"I knew it." whooped the kid.

"No he's not." Said the real Jesus horrified, "I'm the real Jesus,"

"No you're not." said the child.

"I'm not?" said Jesus "Oh my, I have a few people to apologise to, names to change, wait WHO AM I? Who am I?" he sung, he had been watching les miserables whilst stoned.

"You're not the real." Supplied Castiel monotone and stoic, a small teasing quirk to his lips.

Jesus agreed "I'm not the real. You are Samuel, I must pass the torch to you." He conjured the Olympic torch and passed it to Sam, who was openly weeping ad clutching his heart like in the old movies.

"I could never, I'm not pure enough. I cannot be Jesus, you must be Jesus, Mr Jesus H Christ."

Judas agreed, grabbing a sparkly rainbow headband from the shelf and putting it on Jesus head like a crown "You ae Jesus now." He announced

"I accept this responsibility my true love, I only ask you join me as Jesus too."

"There can only be one Jesus." Informed Judas.

Cas agreed, "It makes sense Jesus."

"Yes my homie Castiel, let us make merry, and grab the Lube."

Dean growled like a hellhound, "Back off, he's mine."

Cas agreed, he was Deans after Heaven, but defiantly before his 'main homie'.

"Sir, May I help you?" said a lady which name tag read Suzie.

"Yes." Said Judas "How would you feel about engaging in an orgy?"

She considered it looking at the handsome men surrounding her, then decided that half of looked homeless and the other mass murders and regretfully declined, suggesting Jesus and Judas drop the beards.

Judas was offended enough for them both, and Jesus wondered how many bows he could clip onto Judas's beard before he noticed. (7, and a dowsing of glitter) Judas wondered if the day care would take in a thousand year old demigod still stuck at mental age 16.

They politely told him they only specialised in under 5's, Judas called them under 5's, (He was never good at insults).

Dean somehow managed to get him and Cas almost arrested for public indecency, Jesus set a fire whilst the ran from the mall cops, and set a florists on fire, Sam insisted they save the flowers from the fiery hands of certain death.

Cas clicked his fingers igniting the sprinkler system as they all ran into the fire to save the dear flowers, he called them all rubes as Sam gushed.

An angry florist soaked to the bone chased them out of the mall.

"What a pain in the ass trip to simply get asprin." Dean grumbled

Jesus agreed blaming Sam.

Sam barked like a dog, and licked Jesus. Jesus licked Judas who he was sitting on his lap, Judas licked Cas. They agreed this was a weird custom for humans, but it was not surprising.


	5. Castiel is a greedy whore

Chapter 5

"What a lovely bunch of pumpkins." commented Jesus.

"Those are flowers you dildo hole." Said Dean arranging them in a beautiful tin can, that was rusted through the bottom and couldn't hold much of anything anymore let alone flowers, or better described orange travesties.

"These are for you." Said Dean gruffly like an oversized bear and shoving thee flowers at Cas knocking him off balance.

"They're lovely" said Cas touched, whilst also lying his ass off. The flowers where the ugliest thing he'd ever seen, uglier than that time he saw a cow throw up a half digested dog, that ate a cat, that ate a bird, that ate an oversized fish that died of poison in the lake from the very factory that turned the cows into nice juicy stakes. Cas kinda wished he had a steak right now instead of those ugly flowers. He wondered if angel mojo would fix them, and concluded no, these weeds were beyond repair. He kissed Dean with a sloppily executed kiss, banging their foreheads together, he politely told him to "never under any circumstances ever give him flowers again, they reminded him of poor cute cows for eating, and set his stomach a grumbling."

"Okay." Complied Dean confused, "No flowers, but here's a thought why don't you get me something for once you selfish dick of an ass hole."

"I have given everything for you Dean, and this is how you repay me, I'm disappointed, I expected better." said Cas sauntering away leaving Dean clenching his fists with literal steam squealing out from his ears.

"You should see someone about that ." suggested Judas.

"You should see someone about your face." Said Dean.

"ohhhh burn" said Jesus highfiving Sam under the table

Judas through his pillow at Jesus, missing and landing in the fish tank sinking to the bottom. Why they had a fish tank in there motel room? No one really knew, but at least the fish stayed in the bowl, unlike the flying cannibal fish in heaven.

"Who wants sushi." Suggested Judas eying the fish hungrily.

"I'm up for it." Said poor oblivious Sam.

"Don't eat those fish." Protested Jesus, "They are my special friends."

"but Sam Winchester wants sushi" supplied Judas.

"Actually I'm quiet aright now thankyou." Said Sam turning an sickly green colour like the colour of half mashed peas squished under a threatening piece of carrot.

Judas frowned so heavily, a ceiling light broke off from the roof and fell to the ground next to him.

"Who's up for burgers?"" suggested Sam hopefully.

"Me" squealed Cas in that deep baritone voice of his, as his tongue lolled, and his spittle drooled all over Dean.

"I love you so so much right now." Confessed Dean, who realised he was in fact only thinking it, but it was okay because Cas could read thoughts. Cas thought it back, and was instantly said that Dean his one true love didn't reply.

"You selfish bastard." Said Cas outloud teary and confused.

"You're the selfish one, you won't even say t back."

It was then that Cas realised that Dean was just a dumb poopey human, and why he could read Deans thoughts, Dean could not in fact read his.

"I'm sorry." Said Cas holding Deans hand.

"you better be." Teased Dean staring into the glowing massive all-encompassing orbs of Cass eyes. Cas that darn howdy little worm of Deans heart stared right on back, yes he did right into Deans very own tiny bright bright bright Green eyes, so deep and dark and mysterious. They held all his man pain and unshed tears. Cas knew this, and caressed him with his eyes, eating the poor broken man up, holding him in his heart, and in that moment he knew their love could raise demons from hell, and turn them human again, he just knew okay, don't question it, it was that strong.

"C'mon losers," said Jesus pushing between there 20 minute long staring, "Were going to get burgers."

"BURGERS." Drooled Castiel zombie like again, the only thing he loved more than Dean, and tan trenchcoats, were burgers . "I love you thirdly my ape man" admitted Cas in the car as Dean stared at him again, hitting pedestrians, and babies and a few cats as he steered the Car blindly, trusting the power of their love to save the day.

"I love you 4thly admitted Dean

"Rude" pouted Cas "I should be your number one."

"You are babe, but there's my butt of a brother AND SAMMY ALWAYS COMES FIRST, then there my mummy, then there's pies, and I'm sorry Cas, you're just not better than pies."

"Listen here you lil bitch, I'm better than any pie you'll ever get."

"Yeah but can you taste like mommies love."

"No." sighed Cas "That would be strange and disturbing."

"Damn right it will. Now lay one on me my angel Boy, my life, my 4th love, my little whore." Said Dean lovingly with a little sigh, and a dreamt far away expression.

Cas licked him in the traditional greeting of the humans, Dean looked disappointed "Aren't you going to lick me back" Cas demanded

Dean blushed strawberry lipgloss pink, and licked Cas as his brother snickered and tweeted the photos to jesus's twitter j-zeehomeboy502. P-diddy immediantly retweeted it, and to Deans shameful groaning it ended up with 2.5 million tweets, half of the human planet Jesus assumed.

Jesus kicked the back of Deans chair, The man behind the speaker box had been trying to get his attention now for the last 5 minutes but he had became lost in Cas's eyes, like the labyrinth they were they trapped Dean, and he was left calling for help fighting off a giant miner with 2 eyes, 4 abs, a pick axe, and a naughty flirty wink.

Dean payed, and the man flashed his black eyes, ike the strobe lighting at a rave. "holla" Jesus winked.

"DEMON!" Dean yelled

"Sir not so loud" said the demon "I am undercover and you're ratting me out like a nark."

"Sorry" said Cas "hell do better."

"Hey demon" said Sam "look here the demon looked to Sam and he fell instantly in love, unable to contain that much emotion he instantly burst into flames "Nailed it" procaimed Sam raising his hand up. He was left hanging and brought down his hand in shame.

Cas like the greedy guts he was ate all the burgers, so for punishment Cas was forced to earn new burger money like the dirty whore he was by reciting his lame poetry about the many dicks he had seen, and as he was an awkward virgin and only ever seen Deans, the audience was left lacking. He didn't earn much burgers that night, so he cobbled some from his tears. It was progress.


End file.
